Failure · Secret Life of 30

I Knew

A lot is and has been going on in my little universe.  I’ve been pretty good about managing my emotions of late, but today is hard.

My plate is full.  God my plate is so full.

My partner and I split up last night.  I want to hate him, but I can’t.  It was a good learning experience for me.  I still need to work on heeding red flags when I see them, even if they aren’t glaring and hateful red flags.

I knew it was coming.

I had a bad vibe, and I told him that when I had said bad vibe.  We went to lunch the day before he left for vacation and I knew then.  He’d always been pretty good about not being on his phone when we were together, specifically at a restaurant.  Such was not the case at lunch.  I knew then.

I knew when he didn’t text me.  I knew when he stopped sharing with me.  I knew when he didn’t ask me to tag along to his god daughter’s birthday.  He never introduced me to anyone in 9 months except one time to two obscure friends who were really more friends with his ex-girlfriend than with him.

I knew.

But I ignored it because I thought it was his responsibility to tell me he wasn’t interested anymore.

I knew when he would ignore questions and messages I would send to him.  I always sort of felt like he was ashamed of me or didn’t want people to know I existed.  That’s what it felt like.  Maybe that wasn’t his intention.  I won’t ever know for sure.

I knew when we stopped having thoughtful conversations.  I knew.  I knew when I realized he was updating facebook more than he was updating me (but not updating his relationship status).

I tried really hard to ignore those things.  My heart has been breaking for months.  I knew and I did this to myself.  I wasn’t a priority for him because he wasn’t emotionally invested in me the same way I was emotionally invested in him.  I knew.

He told me he didn’t think he was emotionally available, but we tried anyway.  I wish I could be angry.  I am getting tired of breaking my own heart.  I did everything I could, I think.  Maybe not.  Maybe not in the way he needed anyway.

I did learn that I am okay.  That I am going to be okay.  I need to cut my grass.  I need to clean out my gutters.  I need to properly attach my mail box.  I don’t need an “other half” to be whole.  I am whole just as I am.  Hurting, but whole.  T

here’s a song by Wrable that I love and I feel like it is completely applicable right now. Opening my heart has left a bloodstain.  And I am bleeding out.

I can’t eat, but I will tomorrow.  I don’t have my kids tonight which makes this all the harder.

I knew.

I need to start loving myself enough to listen to myself rather than just trying to avoid rocking the boat.  No, we never fought, but I never put up a fight.  He was a good person.  I think.

Being hurt sucks.  Being hurt by someone you didn’t think would hurt you sucks.  Being hurt by your dang self sucks.  The idea of having to go out and start dating again, sucks.

At least now I know to listen to my brain instead of my stupid heart.  At least there is time.  I have that.  And time heals all.  I think.  That’s what they say anyway.

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