bipolar · Family · Secret Life of 30

In Chaos

I’m in chaos.

I’m upset.

I knew I was going to struggle financially when I bought this house. I knew I was going to have to modify my lifestyle. I knew it would be difficult.

I also knew I could do it.

I am on the verge of tears right now.

My schedule is so packed and I am not even in school for the semester.  Unicorn has t ball, Dragon has soccer. Everyone has something going on I need to attend every freaking weekend. Everyone is having birthday parties and wants to go do things and my kids are disappointed when they can’t go.  That makes me feel like a failure.

I work. I commute an hour each way. I have my kids 80% of the time.

I started bullet journaling to get organized because, hi, I own a home now and the grass isn’t gonna cut itself and the gutters need to be cleaned, also where are these random bugs coming from? Who spilled the laundry detergent?! WHY IS ELECTRICITY SO EXPENSIVE?!

On top of that, I’m on 5 rx medications for being bipolar which cost me $100 a month. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before.  More about that later.

The kids have to be fed, lunches need to be packed, dishes need to be done, laundry has to be folded.

I’m overwhelmed. But, I do the best I can and I am content with that. I love my kids. They know I love them. That’s enough.

Dragon’s bday is this weekend and tbh I only have one gift for her and my plan is literally to take her and her brother to the park and have a picnic because that’s all I can afford. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Just is.

I just had to put 4 new tires on my Jeep because I got 3 flat tires on three separate occasions last week.

I was telling my mom my plan for Dragon’s bday and she sent me a text about learning how to extreme coupon like my sister in law does.  I  told her I didn’t have that kind of time between sports for the kids, school function, work, work functions, my own education, yard work, house work and sleep.  She said there is always time to save money.

I feel defeated.

I don’t mind not keeping up with the Jones’s, but what I do mind is anyone thinking I’m not already trying to do everything I can to make ends meet. I barely have time to myself and that time is usually an hour in bed staying up too late trying to wind down, scrolling through god knows what on my phone.

I’m frustrated. I’m just realizing that I’m in a relationship and idk wtf to do with it. Idk how to talk with him about any of this without like, scaring him. Idk.

I’m just gonna cry now.

I am afraid of effing up the relationship I have with my kids.  I am afraid of messing up the relationship I have with my partner.  We have been together(-ish) for like 6 months and sometimes I find myself terrified that I will never know him.  Like I will know him in part, but that he won’t let me too close to his heart.  I get it.  I think in my own, overly-emotional way, I do the same.

I talked with an old friend today.  I met him when I was 19 and we dated for about a month, but it didn’t work out (i.e. I picked my former husband over him) and we were both fine with that.  We have remained close over the years.  Anyway, to his credit, he has put up with a lot of my BS over the last decade.  He gets emo Ashley in a way most people don’t.  He is also the first one to tell me when I am fucking up.  Friends like that are hard to come by–like the ones you know will be genuinely honest with you.

We haven’t spoken since just after he had his second child somewhere around the beginning of this year or the end of last year.  He has reached out a couple times, but I am a jerk.

When we spoke today I was an emotional train wreck as is evidenced above.  He said that he was worried when he got my message.  He said that he always knew that I was losing my shit because that’s when I always reach out to him; when I am about to lose my mind.

He’s right.  Still doesn’t make me feel like a great person, but he is right.  He was also right in that I wasn’t doing so hot, lol.

He didn’t have any other life-altering advice, but just talking with someone who had a grasp of my emotional chaos was really helpful. He talked about his life and his family and I about mine.  He asked about my partner and how that was going to which I responded, perfect except for the first time in my life I am legitimately afraid I am going to eff it up.  He had no advice there either, but that’s okay too.

I spend a lot (too much?) of time trying to be logical and pace myself through life in such a way that I am calm and collected.  I think in doing so of late I have really stifled my emotional well-being.  It’s like anything, I guess.  Bottled up things sometimes explode.

My soul hurts today, but it’s going to be okay.

 

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