“You are just filling a void in yourself with other people and things that you should be filling with yourself.”
That’s probably one of the greatest truths a friend has ever told me. The true-iest truth. In thinking about it I realized that most of the voids in me were created by the secrets I forced myself to carry for so long. I think it’s time to let those go now. I get to decide who I am. This is my story to tell, not anyone else’s.
I blocked some (more) people out of my life, like really blocked. It’s time for me to start my next chapter. I think once my divorce is final I am going to save up to buy a modular home. No, it won’t be fancy, but it will be mine. I have never really had my own place. Even my old place with my ex only housed an echo of my existence.
Instead of finding a date for Friday, I think I am going to go to church and find some actual friends instead. It’s amazing to look back on who I was and realize that I didn’t have many. I have some great friends online, but that’s not really a good substitute for what I think I need.
I had a couple of girlfriends once, but one of them cheated with my former boyfriend so I guess that doesn’t really make her a friend at all. Once my ankle heals, I am going to start working out again. Maybe on day I will explain HOW I sprained my ankle. It’s a good story about nonsense and the start of me trying to be a person I can be proud of.
Anyway, maybe a list is appropriate. These are the things I think I need to do in order to fill the void in my soul that I had been filling with people who treat me shitty.
- Lose like 100 lbs, but 1 lb at a time
- Ace both of my classes this semester
- Save up to buy a house of some sort
- Make meaningful friendships
- Spend more time playing with my kids
- Cook more
- Do things by myself
- Sleep better
- Find new music to love
- Daydream about what aforementioned house of some sort will look like
- Walk daily at work
- Live better
- Love an honest life
I think that’s a good start. I can be happy by myself and that’s really what I am going to focus on. Myself and my kids. Like I always should have been doing in the first dang place. One box at a time.