divorce · Failure

On Filling Voids

“You are just filling a void in yourself with other people and things that you should be filling with yourself.”

That’s probably one of the greatest truths a friend has ever told me.  The true-iest truth. In thinking about it I realized that most of the voids in me were created by the secrets I forced myself to carry for so long.  I think it’s time to let those go now.  I get to decide who I am.  This is my story to tell, not anyone else’s.

I blocked some (more) people out of my life, like really blocked.  It’s time for me to start my next chapter.  I think once my divorce is final I am going to save up to buy a modular home.  No, it won’t be fancy, but it will be mine.  I have never really had my own place.  Even my old place with my ex only housed an echo of my existence.

Instead of finding a date for Friday, I think I am going to go to church and find some actual friends instead.  It’s amazing to look back on who I was and realize that I didn’t have many.  I have some great friends online, but that’s not really a good substitute for what I think I need.

I had a couple of girlfriends once, but one of them cheated with my former boyfriend so I guess that doesn’t really make her a friend at all.  Once my ankle heals, I am going to start working out again.  Maybe on day I will explain HOW I sprained my ankle.  It’s a good story about nonsense and the start of me trying to be a person I can be proud of.

Anyway, maybe a list is appropriate.  These are the things I think I need to do in order to fill the void in my soul that I had been filling with people who treat me shitty.

  1. Lose like 100 lbs, but 1 lb at a time
  2. Ace both of my classes this semester
  3. Save up to buy a house of some sort
  4. Make meaningful friendships
  5. Spend more time playing with my kids
  6. Cook more
  7. Do things by myself
  8. Sleep better
  9. Find new music to love
  10. Daydream about what aforementioned house of some sort will look like
  11. Walk daily at work
  12. Live better
  13. Love an honest life

I think that’s a good start.  I can be happy by myself and that’s really what I am going to focus on.  Myself and my kids.  Like I always should have been doing in the first dang place.  One box at a time.

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