divorce · Failure

On Recovery

I think recovering from guilt and sadness is incredibly difficult.  I can’t say it’s easier or more difficult than any other addiction because those are the only two addictions with which I am familiar, (that’s not entirely true, but the other will come in time), but I know guilt and sadness are overwhelmingly difficult to contain.

I am not sure, as I am not a quialified professional, but I do think they manifest themselves in the same way any additiction does.  They create this void that is thirsting to be filled and the only  thing I could ever think of to fill those particular voids was more guilt and saddness.

Then, when I could no longer fill those voids on my own inside of my own head, I filled them with someone else.  It’s strange the lengths we will go to in order to be alone with ourselves.  For me,  that included being with someone who I knew wasn’t good for me.  Someone who, on the surface, treated me well, but behind closed doors (yes, there is a pattern here) treated me like garbage.  I wonder if men of a certain type have a radar for women like me.

In six months time I put up with cheating and a litany of other things that I dare not put to paper yet.  I thought I was in love when in all actuality, I knew better.  I knew it wasn’t love, but I allowed myself to think it was the sort of love I deserved because I had allowed guilt and sadness to reign in my life above all other things.

I know I have been away.  I needed some time to sort myself.  I learned a lot about who I am and I am thankful for that.  I also learned what I deserve and that is the kind of love that doesn’t hurt.

I am finally recovering from guilt and sadness.  They don’t appear to make meetings for that sort of addiction, but I take it one day at a time.  I am surrounding myself with good people who genuinely care about me and I am moving forward.

Finally.

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