I think recovering from guilt and sadness is incredibly difficult. I can’t say it’s easier or more difficult than any other addiction because those are the only two addictions with which I am familiar, (that’s not entirely true, but the other will come in time), but I know guilt and sadness are overwhelmingly difficult to contain.
I am not sure, as I am not a quialified professional, but I do think they manifest themselves in the same way any additiction does. They create this void that is thirsting to be filled and the only thing I could ever think of to fill those particular voids was more guilt and saddness.
Then, when I could no longer fill those voids on my own inside of my own head, I filled them with someone else. It’s strange the lengths we will go to in order to be alone with ourselves. For me, that included being with someone who I knew wasn’t good for me. Someone who, on the surface, treated me well, but behind closed doors (yes, there is a pattern here) treated me like garbage. I wonder if men of a certain type have a radar for women like me.
In six months time I put up with cheating and a litany of other things that I dare not put to paper yet. I thought I was in love when in all actuality, I knew better. I knew it wasn’t love, but I allowed myself to think it was the sort of love I deserved because I had allowed guilt and sadness to reign in my life above all other things.
I know I have been away. I needed some time to sort myself. I learned a lot about who I am and I am thankful for that. I also learned what I deserve and that is the kind of love that doesn’t hurt.
I am finally recovering from guilt and sadness. They don’t appear to make meetings for that sort of addiction, but I take it one day at a time. I am surrounding myself with good people who genuinely care about me and I am moving forward.