I have come to the realization that most people assume that a person leaves a marriage/relationship because they’ve found someone else or been cheated upon by their partner. That assumption has been one of my larger struggles with my divorce. No. Neither of us cheated. Neither of us found someone else. We just… weren’t working.
It’s easy to paint one person as the “bad guy”. It’s east to assume the role of the victim. It’s so much easier to hate than it is to love. So, what happens is the truth gets lost. Often it’s the Leaver that gets automatically painted as the “bad person” when many times, there really is no “bad person”.
I think it’s brave to be the bigger person. I think it’s brave to love over hate. I think it’s brave to tell the truth and accept your own responsibility for the failure of your relationship. So often we can’t see the forest for the trees and we don’t realize how toxic or terrible the relationship is until we are out from under it.
For now, I accept the role as the “bad person” because in my heart I know it was the right choice for our children who are so much happier and healthier than they’ve ever been. There is this song, James TW – When you Love Someone, that used to make me cry so hard when I heard it because I loved my children’s father so much and so deeply. The lyrics read:
There ain’t no one here to blame
Nothing’s going to change with your old friends
Your room will stay the same
‘Cause you’ll only be away on the weekendsIt don’t make sense but nevertheless
You gotta believe us, it’s all for the best
It don’t make sense
It don’t add up
We’ll always love you no matter whatSometimes moms and dads fall out of love
Sometimes two homes are better than one
Some things you can’t tell your sister ’cause she’s still too young
Yeah you’ll understand
When you love someone
When you love someone
It wasn’t until recently that I strarted hearing “when you love someone” in a new way. “Someone” was not my children’s father, but rather, my children themselves. It changed everything. Now, the song gives me strength. My son and daugter will be okay. I hope someday they understand, but that emo-ness is for another post.